Day 40: What Else Can I Say

No fireworks, cymbals, maracas, or chest bumps. It turns out that the most fitting way to celebrate the completion of 40 days of practice is quietly, with 90 minutes of restorative yoga, closed with a om circle (with me and Heather at the center). It was a very sweet evening.

At 12:01, I'll be celebrating a little more boisterously with a nice glass of wine! Why not!

The beautiful moon in the sky tonight (last night I watched a shooting star blaze just below it), reminds me of a Zen story that Kat told at the end of class last Friday. It goes something like this:

"Ryokan, a Zen master, lived the simplest kind of life in a little hut at the foot of a mountain. One evening a thief visited the hut only to discover there was nothing in it to steal.

Ryokan returned and caught him. 'You may have come a long way to visit me,' he told the prowler, 'and you shoud not return emptyhanded. Please take my clothes as a gift.'

The thief was bewildered. He took the clothes and slunk away.

Ryokan sat naked, watching the moon. 'Poor fellow,' he mused, 'I wish I could give him this beautiful moon.'"

Let me end this blog with the Sanskrit chant we share at the close of each class:

"Om, lokasamasta sukhinobhavantu. Om shaantih, shaantih, shaantih," which translates to, "May all beings everywhere attain happiness and freedom. May there be peace, peace, and perfect peace."

(It turns out my words aren't always the most appropriate).

Namaste.

Day 39: To Blog or Not

The question I ask myself tonight is whether or not I should keep up with a blog after tomorrow. It's a funny little question that really only I care about. My goal was to write every day in conjunction with my 40 days of yoga. And, except for last Saturday when I was in the mountains, I wrote daily--some worth reading, some not.

Maybe I'll go the route that I plan to take with my yoga--establishing a regular, meaningful practice. But, does that work for writing, or is it all or nothing? Before the 40 days, I was doing a whole lot of nothing when it came to writing. I don't want to go back to that. So, whether in blog form or not, I may have to keep the daily ritual alive.

If it's worth tuning in for, I'll let you know.

Day 40---Hello!

Day 38: Cooling Off

If it isn't already hot enough in my livingroom at 8:30 at night, I'm sitting here with my laptop in my lap. This little machine generates some heat, but I'm too tired and lazy to sit up straight to work at the bar.

So, this will be a short post.

Today, I had my first instance of feeling some true unkindness toward a student. So far, I've been really lucky with my students. They are boisterous, but overall the energy is positive. Things went a little south with one freshman later in the day. I don't feel comfortable including details, but needless to say, I'll need to take a few deep breaths tomorrow, call him out of class, and let him know that when he's in my class, he's on my schedule and following my instructions.

Wish me luck! Time to turn this little machine off and cool off!

Day 37: Ready for a Break

My body is ready for a break! Tonight was our first night in the new studio, which is a beautiful space. The natural light and open feeling will be wonderful for yoga, but my body wasn't feeling it tonight. After day 40, my goal is to settle into a regular practice--three or four days a week. A schedule that I can maintain through the rest of the school year.

Last Sunday, I mentioned a partial radio story I heard that same day about a group of children who had decided not to help a man they had found stranded at the bottom of a well. Tonight, I tuned in via the PRI website to hear the rest of the tale. Turns out that the children never did tell anyone about the man; it also turns out that the story was a work of fiction!

Day 36: Sweet Stories

I had a nice memory today. It came about while I was instructing my students on how to write their first essay describing an important event from their lives. Their goal is to write about something significant that changed them in some way or taught them an important lesson.

Believe me, I have many important events that would qualify in this category, but not ones I'd ever share with 14 year olds. Instead, I shared this:

In the years right after my grandpa's death in 1991, I used to visit the cemetery once a month or so. His grave is in a lovely spot beneath an oak tree. In those years, the tears came easily when I thought about my loss. As I sat on the curb next to his grave on one sunny afternoon, a woman came and sat next to me. She had been sitting at her mother's grave up the hill when she saw me. I don't remember the exact conversation, but I will never forget her kindness. She told me she could tell that I was sad, and felt like she needed to check on me. For a few minutes, she sat next to me with her arm around my shoulders. Then she left.

I told my students that even though the interaction last no more than 10 minutes, it has stayed with me for more than 15 years. Sometimes when I'm feeling like the world is a really crappy place, I think of that woman and her kindness. It's a sweet, sweet thought that makes me like the world again.

Day 35: How to Restore

In a weekend that was full of celebration and love, the topic of cruelty should have no place. But, it's an action that has been on my mind several times today. Partly because of a discussion I shared in this morning about the ability of some people to be deeply cruel to someone they love. And, partly because of a story I heard on NPR's "This American Life" as I drove home from Big Bear.

I didn't hear the end of the story (and I'm not sure that I want to), but it was about a group of children who, while playing in an open field, found a man trapped in the bottom of a well. Instead of going for help, the children decided to stay quiet, and over a few days visited the man several times. Once they brought him food and water. They lied to him and told him that help was on the way. Supposedly a true story from the writer's childhood, I'm almost afraid to go online and hear the end (I left the station's broadcast range mid-story).

Maybe it's not possible to understand what is at the core of cruelty--maybe it's ignorance, fear, self-loathing, evil. I end up feeling badly when think on it for too long.

Tonight, during a 90 minute restorative yoga session, I had a realization that maybe, in my own life, it's not so important to understand where it starts. What I need to do is focus on being kind, not nice, but kind. Sometimes, actually more than sometimes, I feel less than kind (refer to my past posting about gratitude). I have to figure it out. It may be the most I have to give.

Day 34: Up above the Grid

Saturday was set aside for gazing at the mountains, celebrating a dear friend's birthday, and doing a little yoga next to the lake in Big Bear. It was a beautiful escape from the Escondido heat; and a respite from all things technological. So, it was my one day down from the 40 days of blogging. Turns out the world didn't end!

Day 33: Not Feeling Good Today

All I can say is, "Oofta!!!"

Day 32: Instincts Firing

I've sitting on my couch, wiped out from teaching, Zumba-ing, and power yoga, trying to write. Some days it's easier than others; some days it's instinctual. Tonight, not so much. Elvis, on the other hand, is paying close to his instincts as a Southern boy. Just three minutes ago, a gunshot went off somewhere in the neighborhood, which caused him to shoot out the French doors in full hound dog bay. I live downtown, so there are often loud noises; but those noises don't always agitate Elvis. There must be something in his DNA, something left dormant from his ancestors who were allowed to hunt, that allows him to recognize the sound of a shotgun.

A few weeks ago, he had a similar reaction to the late-night cry of a coyote (yes, there seem to be some urban-dwelling coyotes in the area). Dogs bark all of the time, and Elvis rarely responds (unless they are walking past the house). Again, his down home country memory bank must know what a coyote sounds like. Instincts are amazing!

Are you wondering why I didn't sound more alarmed at the sound of a gun going off down the block? I've lived downtown for 12 years now....maybe my instincts are better than I thought!

Day 31: The Pain and Pleasure of Beginning

It's beneficial to be reminded of the beginner mind--the one that we should all keep no matter how skilled we become at something. I wish I would have remembered this around 11:30 this morning when I was "going off" on my fourth period class about the dismal turn-in rate for their first formal writing assignment. Fortunately for my second period class, my frustration level hadn't peaked, even though their overall effort was rotten. I must remember they are beginners. Many of them did a great job. At the end of fourth period, after a few very long, deep breaths, I apologized for my outburst and explained to them that my response didn't come from a place of disgust, but from a place of frustration and concern. I've been down this same track with freshmen for four years, and each year I try to build in strategies and supports that will keep them from screwing up at the beginning of the year. Maybe they are just supposed to screw up.

On a lighter note, our friend Tom went to class with us tonight--his first-ever yoga experience! Heather and I were a bit nervous for him because the class, though only an hour long, is usually intense. Plus the room is heated to 99 degrees (only 4 degrees warmer than it was outside at 5:30). But, Tom made it through, and even had a big smile--a big, exhausted, sweaty smile--at the end of class. He said he wants to try it again. Now that's a good beginner mind!

I will try to take some of Tom's good-natured beginner energy with me to class tomorrow; my kids will appreciate it!

Day 30: Wordless

My mind is exhausted. Today I spent five hours helping my 9th and 10th graders write their first theme essays. I presented the same basic ideas five times, but had to explain in at least 20 or 30 different ways. I have no words left tonight, except......

Rest peacefully Senator Kennedy.

Day 29: Water Issues

I may be into my third week of school, but tonight it just feels like summer. It's 9:15, my frontdoor is wide open, and I can hear my neighbor's sprinkler chh-chh-chhing across the street. I love that sound. It reminds me of the days (way before water restrictions) when we'd think nothing of running back and forth through the oscillating sprinkler for hours at a time. What a simple way to keep us kids busy, though I'm sure my parents didn't love the muddy path we cut through the lawn. But, we were happy, out of our mother's hair, and still in her line of vision.

Yesterday was one of my official watering days, but I couldn't get to my frontyard until the afternoon. So, sorry water police, but I was sprinkling my landscape at 2 in the afternoon. I felt a bit guilty because I know it's not the most efficient time to water, but it was the only time I had. Plus, my entire frontyard is landscaped with three-year-old native plants, which I only water once every two to three weeks in the summertime. The poor guys seemed thankful for the quick drink. Hmm, could I still get busted my the water police? Did they see me wash the downtown grunge that settles on my porch furniture....shhhh!

Since starting the 40 yoga days, I've thought a lot more about water than ever--and not just because I'm having to wash yoga clothes and towels several times a week. I know I've talked about it before, but I was amazed again tonight at the amount of sweat that can stream out of my body. The class was only an hour long, but midway through I was completely drenched, and each time I bent over, sweat dripped up my nose and showered my mat. Sounds like fun, huh? I'm watery, watery, watery.

Enough water talk, I need a drink......bubbly water, not wine (sigh....)

Day 28: Productive Sunday and More Teacher Talk

Day 28 of yoga is complete, three periods worth of "What's My Purpose" paragraphs are graded, my dog is washed, and half of my frontyard is pruned back. I'm happy with my Sunday effort. Now I get to look forward to having dinner with Fred, Heather, and the kids! It's the only place on this planet where I have a Wii avatar!

Tomorrow I will need all my energy because I'm taking my kids into their first formal writing assignment. To me, working with students on the writing process is the most exhausting part of my job--but the most worthwhile. After reading three classes worth of paragraphs, I'm hopeful that many already have the basic knowledge of how to write a sentence. But, there will be a few, or more than a few, who will be struggling with those basic skills while at the same time tackling critical thinking and literary analysis. I'm sure they'll be more frustrated and exhausted than I will be!

Sorry, this yoga blog is turning into a teaching blog. It can't be helped in the first few weeks of school. If you'd like to hear another person's perspective on teaching high school, there is a great article in this week's San Diego Weekly Reader. I haven't read it in years, but I saw the cover story when I was leaving Trader Joe's and had to pick it up. The title: "I Was a High School Teacher Dropout." It's written by a professional playwright and ex-teacher who left the profession after only a few years. Her insight is spot-on: http://www.sandiegoreader.com/news/2009/aug/19/cover/

Day 27: Gratitude

As we went into this morning's practice, Lizette suggested that we carry an intention of gratitude with us into each of the poses. It's a feeling that I haven't put much energy toward this last week, but it only took her small reminder to help me focus on all that I am grateful for; so, here it goes:

I am grateful for my family and friends. It is a wide circle, but I never feel my love for them is spread too thin. Even the ones that are rarely in my line of sight are always in my heart. I am loved by many people, in different ways, and there is no better feeling.

I am grateful for the opportunity to teach (even in this difficult period). It is exactly what I am meant to be doing...for now. It might sound like I've drunk the Kool-Aid, but teenagers really are amazing. If you are in a point in your life where you do not have much contact with teens, you should find a way to be around them (probably in small doses if you aren't used to them in large quantities). If you keep the right frame of mind, it's possible to feel the truly sweet energy they possess--even when they are surly, nasty, and at their most annoying.

I am grateful to own a home. A sweet, little, funky home that keeps me and my little troupe (Elvis and Buddy) warm and dry.

I am grateful for my mind and body (flaws and all). I've struggled with the things they can't do, but I'm constantly amazed at the things that they can continue to do, or are just learning. After 27 days of yoga, I'm finding renewed openess, strength, and forgiveness.

I could go on for days, especially in my current good mood, but I will end with one last piece of gratitude. This is a tough one that I don't feel more often than I do: I am grateful to the people in my life who have caused me or the people I love pain and turmoil, and the people for whom I feel animosity, anger, or disgust toward. No names here, but there is a list. I often find these people to be my best teachers (when I let myself let go of the negative feelings I hold toward them). If I were my best Buddhist self, I would release all animosity toward each of them, but I settle at this point for moments of forgiveness and acceptance.

That's it for now. I'm off to help a friend keep a crazy group of 17-year-olds in check at a Slip-n-Slide birthday party! Oh gracious!

Day 26: Short Practice, Awful Movie

Tonight the studio was closed, so Heather and I practiced in her livingroom. It was the shortest practice I've had in 26 days, but it was nice to go easy after a very busy week. The short class also allowed me to get home early, lay on the couch, and watch a movie.

If you are looking for a recommendation, I recommend NOT renting "Art of Travel." The scenery was pretty, but the writing was AWFUL! I used to get angry about wasting time watching awful movies, but now I consider it research. A friend of mine and I have been pushing around a film idea for quite awhile now, and it's good to see examples of what we don't want to do.

More on the movie writing later.......

It's Friday night, 9 p.m., and I'm going to bed....no, not alone....Elvis is curled up right by my left foot.

Day 25: Looking Past the Ick

Tonight, I actually felt like my body and my head were both present almost continuously during the practice. Surprising, since there are many worries lurking around me these days. I hate sounding so ominous and dark, but it is hard to ignore during the day--except when I'm focused and working with my students.

But, as the 90 minutes of yoga works its way through my body, I have at least a moment of separation from the stress. A chance to catch my breath and realize that it isn't going to get me. It seems like it's going to get some people that I love dearly, but even they will survive. It will make them stronger.

Day 24

I don't want to be afraid of doing the right thing, of standing up and taking risks for people I believe in.

Day 23: Prediction

There is no way to be sure, but I have a feeling that a year from now, my life will look much different than it does right now.

I'm not feeling the urge to write extensively these past few days...I think thoughts are brewing....

Day 22

I'm sorry. There's nothing tonight.

Day 21: Sweet Reminders

I like it when I get little reminders that there is great goodness in our world. And, those reminders can be little. Tomorrow, Heather and I are both using a music video from the DVD/CD Songs around the World: Playing for Change in our classroom. To begin a discussion of purpose and theme, we will have our kids watch the video for "Stand by Me" and then discuss its purpose. The video includes different musicians, dancers, and citizens from all over the world performing the classic tune by Ben E. King. If you aren't familiar with the Playing for Change project check it out at http://www.playingforchange.com/ .

Back to my little reminder. This morning, as we moved into our first downdog, the instructor turned on the stereo and out came the opening lines to "Stand by Me" from the same CD. One of the other students had brought it to class to try out as background music. It's not the traditional music selection for yoga, but it made me smile. It made me happy. And it me remember that the number of people in this world trying to do good must be larger than the number trying to tear it down. I truly believe this.